To All The Boys I Loved Before

Today, I will walk down the aisle and say ‘I do’. An ‘I do’ to Jeremy Tave. An ‘I do’ to love. An ‘I do’ to forever. Who knew this day would eventually come? I’ll take this time to look back at all the memories I have of all of you. You that I have shared parts of my heart with. Some were happy or funny while some sad. And there were also those moments that were nothing but magic.

To my first love, P: people thought that you and I were going to be together forever. We proved them wrong twice in our lifetimes. You were the first to show me what love and a relationship is. You were also the first that showed me what heartbreak is. But, in the end, I hurt you the most. I am sorry for being so cold and cruel when you deserved better. I did not deserve you and it was right to let you go. But thank you for teaching me first love and young love and most especially what I can be capable of.

To the one that broke my heart the worst, F: I did love you even if it was a blind kind of love. There were those times where I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but with you. But mostly, you came into my life to teach me what everything wrong in a relationship can be: infidelity, emotional abuse, dishonesty, and a need to badly hold on to someone and something even if it was not mine to begin with. Because of the midnight trysts, you made me realize that there are some people in this world that are not just in it for sex, steaks, and rock and roll. But thank you for breaking my heart. You gave me the push to pursue happiness in my life. If I was never down in my life, I would not have discovered yoga and surfing. In my darkest of dark times I had these things to turn my life around. You taught me that I can be as strong as I want to be. That there is a rainbow after the rain. That happiness can come after sorrow. In the end, you probably were the best teacher of all.

To the adorable one, C: I cannot believe how much you managed to break my heart a million times over. I will never forget wasting 10 minutes of my life on our cold marble floor because I could not decode you or your messages. I will also never forget how I smiled when I received your messages. How you made me feel like crap most times. How you made me feel beautiful and special on others. Thank you for the fun times. Our random conversations. For our sort-of friendship. You will always have a special place in my heart.

To the one whose heart I apparently broke, N (I will not admit it!!): thank you for showing me a sweet side of you. You made me laugh, you made me inspired, and you made my one week of island living one of the most memorable trips ever. I will never forget kicking you out at 5 in the morning, watching the Milky Way with you by the pier, and simply hanging out with you at the common area eating ice cream.

To my crush, T: you were the perfect example of the Filipino song Rico Blanco’s Antukin – “Kung ayaw may dahilan, kung gusto palaging meron paaran“. You made me realize that things take effort and someone who likes me will make the effort even if I never asked them.

To the heartbreaker, K: so randomly, you showed me that I can be desirable. And how fun dangerous liaisons can be. I did not love you, but all the same, thank you for the randomness of it all.

To those that I have met while on the road, on my travels or their travels: it was not love as well, but maybe if we had more time than one date or two, we could have shared something even special. You will always be in my ‘fun’ and crazy memories. You made me realize that meeting people would be wonderful and you made me open to sometimes break boundaries and cross comfort zones. If it were not for this “skill”, I would have never made the first move on Jeremy (this one I’ll admit to! hahaha).

Thank you for all the memories. Thank you for being teachers on relationships and on love. Thank you for teaching me what love is, what love should be, and what love can be. Thank you for making me laugh and making me cry. Thank you for teaching me that love requires choice, time, and sacrifice. Thank you for making me who I am today. The person who is able to love Jeremy Tave with all of herself – mind, body, and soul.

xo. Rusty

All engagement photos by Gaps Sabuero.

 

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